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Tuesday, August 31, 2010 @ 10:02 PM


THIS WAS LIKE SOOOO LONG AGO. I THINK I WAS IN SEC 2. OKAY AND MY FACE WAS JUST AS ROUND.
Anyw, ystd night was melancholic. But its alright, cause today morn i woke up and felt happpppy. Okay, i shld go do chem tutorial and not disappoint or lie to mr chung anymore. Mr chung is a very cute teacher who resembles humpty dumpty, and he gives his all in teaching us chemistry. He is like the chemistry version of Mr Wee.
I miss Mr Wee and all the teachers in ytss. Sorrrrry i didnt get to go back ystd. We'll find time to go back! :) & yah ah, I dont really like YJ but i like the teachers there. They re alllll very nice. Or rather, all the nice teachers coincidentally became my subj teachers.
Okay, i shall go bathe and go cc and start doing chem tut!
GO FTAN!


I went out w this awesome bunch of people. Plus minus some people luh
There was cangy pinrong pearl boon fiz asrul and lih wei!
WE DID TAKE PICTURES.
but its w hafiz and asrul!

We didnt do like super amazing super fun things
We just went to amanda's hse and sleep plus talk plus take pictures/
But it was fun, i enjoyed myself.
& i reaaaaally miss them.
ITS ALRIGHT, ILL SEE THEM REAAAAAAAAL SOOOON!
LOVE YOU PEOPLE. I MEAN IT.
BTW. I finished this book tdy.
It is a nice book, very nice. Out of my normal vampire-werewolves genre. But its nice/
Even tho it was romance, it isnt like filled with sex and tht kind of stuff.
It was just genuine love, simple and really pure.
& there were alot of parts where i reread and reread. Cause, they were sweet and yah, make me think, in a good way.

"It wasn't that long, and it certainly wasn't the kind of kiss you see in movies these days, but it was wonderful in its own way, and all i can remember about the moment is that when our lips first touched, i knew the memory would last forever."

This is like only one of the super nice parts. It will take forever for me to type them all down. But i guess, to really understand the meaning behind the story, you have to read the book. Srsly, go read it. In a way i think after reading the book, my perception of everything changed.

Yes tho i began to doubt. Doubt everything i'd been through. I wonder if any part was truely true. Because every part of it seemed as wonderful as that described in the story. I guess deep in, all i really want, is for that part to at least be real. Or maybe its just that i couldnt accept it if any of it was fake. But if it was true, how did things get to the way they are now? I srsly dont knw. & i wish i had an answer. Not just to this, but to everything esle. Idk, just the answer might not change anything, but maybe ill feel better if i knew the reason/s behind it. Or maybe, im thinking too much again, there might not be any reasons. Of course, it made me realise, okay, realise might be the wrong word (I sort of knew this all along), maybe this was the better path to take. & if the better path hurts so much, i cant imagine hw much worse the worse one could be. I dont dare to proclaim that i no longer have any feelings. I guess its just that i dont dare to. One thing for sure, its fading. I dont even knw if i want it to go away quick or not. Somehow yes, somehow no. Another thing im certain of is that, there can be no future whatever it is. I cant trust as much and also, it was too awful an experience i dont think i can go thru any of it again. True, the happy part was sweet and memorable. But whether its worth all these pain, i really do not know. At least, im on my way now. & i reaaaaaally hope i dont make any wrong choices from here onwards.

So true right. At least, in my scenario, the other party isnt sick and dying. Compared to that, i'd rather this.
IM SORRRY GAGA!
I didnt mean to be psk today!
seriously! Im sorrrry!

Monday, August 30, 2010 @ 7:09 AM

Srsly ok! Wts, leadership is not like that. Im not a leader myself. But at least i ve seen true leaders to know that leaders are not like that. Everything also last min, snjdfdfsdbfasj ok!
Somemore one of you is NOT even a leader. Cmon lah, cut the crap. Let me have a chance, have a go at enjoying music FOR ONCE.
Shiatz you people. i sdjnbjsdbfjbsdfbasjbikjasdb.


Ok, you cross tired, angry, hungry, pekcek with ftan you'll get PMS.
Im not having menses now. But i feel like i have sdfbjbsdfbasj PMS.
Im freaking pekcek.
& wts, shit you boy, dont mess w my sistaa.


OK CHILL AND GO SLEEP.


Sunday, August 29, 2010 @ 5:43 AM

Went thru my pictures just now.

Melancholic. I miss band clique. Alot.
We all are making an effort to keep our friendship going. Its not easy since we are all in different schools. & I really think that tho we may not be able to see each other every day, our friendship will still stay strong. I mean yah, we might run out of topics to talk when we are out, but yknw the feeling, that even tho you have nth to talk abt, you still knw that you are the best of friends. I love you people. alot. alot. alot.

YTWO IS SOMETHING THAT CAN NEVER BE REPLACED.
& I CAN NEVER FORGET.
CAUSE I MAKE AWESOME FRIENDS LIKE YOUALL THERE.

Which brings me to another point.
In jc right, i dont try to make friends with people anymore. I also dont know why. Maybe its because im contented with my friends alrd. Im contented with GAGAs and my friends from yt. Im scared that if i make any more close friends, ill lose my current friends. I treasure them too much. Okay, this might sound stupid and dumb, but yah, thats what i think.

On a brighter note, IM BATMAN!


Day 3- Your Parents


Dear parents,
Yknw i might now have the best family as compared to my friends. Our family does have alot of drama going on all the time. BUT, im still happy to have you as my mom, as my dad. Thanks for giving birth to me, thanks for trying to keep this family tgt. Things might seem bad sometimes, but they will turn around always. I have faith in my mom, my dad, my gran, my siblings, myself, and everybody. I love my parents!
Love, feliciatan.


HAHA. FUNNY.
NO. I DONT HAVE A BAD VOICE. I JUST FOUND THIS FUNNY!

YAYE! I FINISH EOM. BUT THE BAD NEWS IS I DONT FEEL DOING ANY MORE HOMEWORK.
OK. LETS DO A CHECKLIST.
  1. ECONS
    -ESSAY
  2. GEOG
    -POP TUT 2
  3. CHEM
    -ALOT OF TUTORIALS
  4. MATHS
    -8.1 8.2
  5. PW
    -EOM

ok. good job ftan. you re done procrastinating and finished EOM. you deserve a break now. BREAK APROVED. byebye studying. Ill see you on weds/thurs!




Saturday, August 28, 2010 @ 10:00 PM

I shld stop procrastinating.
On weds, i said i will do eom.
On thurs, i said i will do eom.
On frid, i said i will do eom.
Ystd, i said i will do eom.
& now, i say I WILL DO EOM.

Omg, weird & bad dream ystd.
Nevermind they say dreams are the exact opposite of reality right.
Hope its true.


Yes, Hogwarts, please.

Friday, August 27, 2010 @ 7:40 AM

OK. 3 OUT OF 5.

Im gna die alrd. & the worst thing is i feel stress bcos i hvnt been doing revision.
Ok. im gna start TMRW.
Yeah, you dont.




Day 2- Your Crush
Thursday, August 26, 2010 @ 6:26 AM

Day 2- Your crush

Dear crush,
You re my eyecandy in schl. I smile every time i see you cause you re always so dreamy. Even though my friends call you alien, i think you are very cute. & i really hope you are as nice as i think you to be. I hope we will get a random chance to talk soon. I believe, i have faith. (oh pls dsjfbhsbdfhbabasdhbasdhikj let me talk to him)
Love, feliciatan.

I hope this friendship goes on. & i dont want to think too much.



Im closer with xiaoyin nowadays. Maybe because of tina and yt at YOG. Sorta shared alot of stuff and i like to talk to her, altho she everytime dont understand you, dont catch your words. LOL. love ya xiaoyin!
Im so friggin tired! & i still have friggin econs essay to do.
WTS, okay, to think on the bright side, EOM deadline extend to mon!
YAYE! THANK YOU MRS GUNA!
I feel like taking a breather.

Angry tired, tirgry!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010 @ 8:11 AM

Wts! I quite angry now. Whgdusbddkdb I swear I not creating chance to talk to you can. Walaoeh why you like tht. Friends much. Please lah. Tsk, like abit self obsessed ok! Qianda! Gsjbdjshdhd!


Actuallly i do feel guilty for going late for school, or not going sometimes.
Sorrry ms lim, but sometimes really so tired, even i go schl also cant concentrate right.

YAYE HI-5! CHEM SPA OVERR!
Okay, now, ftan on your engine alright!
Promos coming!

& i had alot of fun at schl tdy w GAGAs today.
So fun, i like time spent with them.
Cause they make me happppppy!

GAGAs! WE HAVETA PROMOTE TGT OKAY.
IF NOT I WILL EMO NEXT YEAR WITHOUT ALL THESE FUN!

Now, im going to do my eom!
Before thaat, let me continue my letter to muaiz best friend!

Dear best friend,
I know we have drifted apart. But I know our love for each other still stays! Aww! We have once been so close loh! & i knw we are still close at heart now! I rmbr last time we always sing chipmunk songs together. Thats why we are each other's chipmunk! "christmas christmas dont be late~!" I love you! I rmbr when i first heard you play your frenchhorn solo or smth, i told myself "OMG, she sound so nice, okay, i wna be friends with her!" LOL, then i think we got close during some intensive band pracs or smth. Im so glad i know you yknw. You have a straightforward character and i like! You will tell people straight when you dont like them, i like! Then then, i also love you because i like to talk to you! You very nice to share troubles with! & to gossip with! We need to go out more okay! We need to catch up more! I treasure our friendship alot & i rly miss good ol' times with you! I love you, best friend, i really do!
Love, feliciatan.

Dear best friend,
It was only in L1B4 did i got close with you right? You sat beside me and you always go GAGA over Mr Emmanuel Teo! Then we always crap and laugh alot during his lessons. But hey, we did listen okay! I rmbr i always share my troubles and happy news with you! & you always give me good advice! & then, i rmbr got one thing, something happened on your side, and you came crying to me. Much as i dont want you upset, i feel very touched. Like awww, you came to find me! Because tht time, we werent very close yet. As in i didnt know i had such a stand in your heart. Aww. I love you too! Then in band, during the last few months, changed sitting position ah, then i sit beside you! TRUE BLISS OKAY! You dont know the joy of having someone sway with you while playing. Okay, even if someone sways with you, you will only experience this true bliss whn its the correct person! I miss playing in band with you and gossiping with you! We must catch up also too okay! I love you, really i do!
Love, feliciatan.

Dear best friend,
I think i really got to know you thru pinrong! And i got close with you during eng lessons, L1B3! We always laugh at jarron tgt, and laugh at erwin tgt, and laugh at rj tgt. HAHA, maybe i also laugh at you with them sometimes! & i miss you to go "mama, love-of-my-life so hot!" LOL, anyw, im glad, real glad i came to know you. You bring joy to people yknw! I rmbr during the stressful intensive, every recess, or almost every, i will go the corridor find you and pr and cangy, then we will always gossip laugh talk! And we always end with the MILKSHAKE, PEARL! Also, thru the english lessons, we shared quite some deep stuffs with each other. & im glad i got close to you! I like you because you always make an effort to come out with us even if your parents object! I rmbr the last time we met was bimb's concert! I miss you pearl!!!! We must come out again okay! Okay, this sept! I miss times with you and band clique! I love you best friend, i reallly do!
Love, feliciatan.

Dear best friend,
I know i always scold you say you niao say you lohsoh say you alot stuff, but you knw right, i dont mean it. Kay lah kay lah, you are a very nice friend, truthfully hor! I rmbr you tell me you used to hate me cause liting & ansar always depict us as a couple! LOL, that was totally random! Im glad ive known you for five years and still counting. I think it was thru suxian that i went to recess-es with you! Then we began talking and then we got close in band as well. Memorable much eh. Okay lah, tho i rly cant stand you sometimes, i know you re a true friend who spares a thought for all of us whenever and ever! Thank you ah! & right, i really dont mean what i always say hor. Okay, may our friendship go a long way and bff okay! Lets work hard for promos tgt and promote and have more fun and go uni and be happppppy! i love you best friend i really do!
Love, feliciatan.

Dear best friend,
I really have nooooo idea how i got close with you. I dont knw hw it all started loh! I only rmbr bqt and singtel after O's! I think, during bqt stuff, we also never really talk leh. But like suddenly, you were helping me for singtel! I think it was really during the singtel period; got alot time slack mah, then we always HTH talk and then play TAPTAP REVENGE. LOL, those were the times. Then, you went thru the hard decision making process, and in the end, came to YJ! Thank you ah friend, for being a true friend! We always go study together! So, you re my consistent study-mate! & you very selfless i knw! Continue being a nice gentleman okay! See, i so good right. I think also thru you, i got to know junze better! Continue studying hard, and being a pro in vball okay! We must all study hard promote and have fun next yr! & i really want our friendship to last! Ohya, i everytime say you ah dai, actually NOT THAT dai lah. LOL, i love you best friend i really do!
Love, feliciatan.

Dear best friend,
I rmbr we used to be quite close that period aft O's. Then some internal conflict and we distant-ed. Everyone have their strengths and faults. & im sorry for judging you based on your faults that time. But i really know that you are a true friend. You offered me great advice when i was at the most down period of my life (i think). Although your advices revolve around "dont think alrd lah" "get over it" "not worth it", i know what you meant and i know you really care. Thank you for being there with me when i needed a friend. You re a nice guy srsly! I hope our friendship now will go a long way as well! Thank you for everything! I love you best friend, i really do!
Love, feliciatan.

Dear best friend,
Like what i said, it was only thru yuchao did i know you. You really very nice. I think you and yuchao can be classified under no. 1 gentleman. I rmbr that time pulau ubin, you very nice. I know i damn loser in cycling, and i always barge into bushes and all the wrong places. & i get hopelessly hopeless in slopes. Thank you knw. That time i so touched whn you cycled back to chck and saved me frm dying in that horrible slope. I really hope you and her will get tgt. You two are the perfect couple leh. She so pretty, you okay lah, so can match! & i have fun with you and yuchao, fangirling and fanboying, tho both your tastes rather cui. Anyw, thanks for a true nice gentleman friend! Keep this friendship going yo! Invite me to your wedding next time! But for now, lets study hard, promote tgt and have more fun with the study clique!
Love, feliciatan.

Dear best friend,
I really dont knw you for a long time. But its enough time to know that you are a good guy, a worthy friend. Thanks for being nice to us, for being nice to bully, for being a fun person to be around. & no, we are not going to changi hospital anytime soon. Wait till my fear for ghosts go away first! With this short time i ve known you, we ve had alot of fun! Lets continue to have this fun okay! Now, lets study hard and promote tgt first hor! I love you best friend!
Love, feliciatan.

GAGAs.
I havent known youall for a long time. But i love youall alot alrd. My love for youall vaster than the sea, greater than the sky and what uh. oh, i can go into the volcano and can go catch stars in the sky for youall!

Dear best friend,
Thank okay! You always accompany me go places far far away for koi, for hongkong dessert, for curry puff, for chicken wings, for mos nuggets, and this thurs, nice BBQ food! You have a character ive really never seen before leh! You like abit cool cool, abit funny funny, abit cute cute, abit smart smart, abit sense sense, abit weird weird, and abit of everything. But you are a fun person to be around. & you always wait for me after classes and all that so sweet! I love you alot best friend, and we must promote tgt okay! RMBR IM GOING TO BE YOUR BRIDESMAID! & YOUR BFF!
Love, feliciatan.

Dear best friend,
Yknw you always live in your own world one? Like forever you dont knw what we talking about, or dont know where we going. But its alright, we love you the way you are and because you are so fun to laugh at! Okay, that wasnt really true. Truth is, i feel very comfy talking to you sharing my troubles with you. Even tho i knw you might not understand what im feeling sometimes, you still try very hard to be there for me, to encourage me, to make me happy. Actually i look at you, i will laugh and be happy alrd. You are a nice friend, and i really hope you will last long long with W okay! I love you alot best friend, we must promote tgt okay! STUDY HARD! RMBR IM GOING TO BE YOUR BRIDESMAID AND YOUR BFF!
Love, feliciatan.

Dear best friend,
Drama queen of the clique. You always make us laugh like crazy one loh. Your stupid funny actions and your drama facial expressions. You are a fun person to be around, and like the rest, i can always share my troubles with you. I think i will forever label you as guo tiao loh. See you i think of guo tiao only. Thank you for being there for me aww. In China right, we didnt knw ea other this well then, then you like always wait for me, talk to me, make me feel loved make me feel happy. & you always help us shoot back all the dumb people who say us. And you knw your mind turn very fast so you can think of very witty things to shoot them back. Continue being cheerful and influence us all okay! STUDY HARD AND WE PROMOTE TGT! I love you best friend! AND IM GOING TO BE YOUR BRIDESMAID AND BFF!
Love, feliciatan.

Think i said this before, i never thought i would make such marvellous awesome friends in JC. The three of you are love okay! Youall make school fun in a way i never knew school could be! Love youall like trucklorryloads!


Monday, August 23, 2010 @ 7:13 AM


I cnt help what I'm feeling

Sunday, August 22, 2010 @ 7:10 PM

"I think fetching her when it's raining and holding an umbrella for her is very sweet'

Too bad it's gone. Sometimes, I find it a pity. But then again, anyone that will make me cry is not worth my tears.

Anyw, I didn't go to schl tdy. I slept too late last night I guess and had a headache this morn. okay I'm better now but my bed tooooooo comfy, maybe I'll go for econs laterrrr. Okay back to sleep now, buaiz!

Day 1- Your best friend

Before i start on the letter writing challenge thing,

i just heard this on disney channel! Damn funny!
"Im hungry and angry! IM HANGRY!"
WTS SO FUNNY.

OKAY HERE WE GO. LETTER TO A BEST FRIEND.

I dont have a best friend.
I have many best friends.
I think im so lucky cause i have many amazing friends!


Dear best friend,
I ve known you since i first entered yt. You re my first best friend in life. I love you cause we laugh and roll on the stairs of sembawang's campus. We spend marvellous time together and were both part of this awesome group, we once named 4piggys. You re the first friend i was ever so frank to. We would set everything straight on the table, and spill whtever grudges & unhappiness we have with each other. This is why our quarrels never did last. It's amazing how we still have so much to talk about when we went out after like not talking for one year. It's even more amazing how we stayed this close even when we dont go to the same cls, and now, not even the same schl. &, i think you re the only best friend i have out of band. I love you, best friend, i really do.
Love, feliciatan.

Dear best friend,
I rmbr my first impression of you and ftoh was "ah lian only loh". Then in sec 2, we suddenly got close, together with fareha. We even formed this thing, the 3somes. From then on, our friendship blossomed and blossomed. Until now, we are best friends that know each other inside out. You only need to wink your eye and i know you re going to shake you butt. LOLOL. First in band, then in class. I think you re probably the person who knows me best. Throughout our friendship, we have faced many many odds. BUT we always managed to overcome them. I love you for everything you have done for me, and the fact that you are always there for me. I rmbr one of the main reasons why i transferred to yj from tpj was cos of you. Aww. But i was really scared that i would lose this awesome friend, this wonderful friendship. Even though we are in different classes now, we are still so so so close. I love you because you always understood my situation. I knw, at times, i can be soooo unreasonable that i cant stand myself also. Thank you for tolerating my shit always, and still am forever beside me. I love you, i really do.
Love, feliciatan.

Dear best friend,
Think you once told me that you didnt have a good imp of me. Cos when you waved to me the first time in sec 1, i ignored you. LOL. In the end, it was the sec 2 leadership trng period whn we got to know each other. I think we skipped the part on friends, and went on to best friends alrd. The first time we talked was in squad. You stood beside me, and we kept ranting nonsense and giggling. That was memorable. But then again, every moment spent with you was memorable. Then, we became best friends in band. & you were always there for me when i was upset & needed someone. I do not knw if i was always there for you as well. I think it was also through you i made awesome friends like cangy, boon, and pearl. You sorta opened me up, and changed me into someone i nvr thought i was. Then, you, me, cangy, and rj got really close and suddenly we are the tipton-ers. I know, that thruout our friendship, i made mistakes. Some, so huge i think is inforgiveable. Im really sorry i once neglected you and cangy cos of a guy. If i could turn time back, i would never make that same mistake again. After what happened, our friendship never really felt the same as before. I dont knw why. But one thing for sure, i know, that i still regard you as my best friend. Cause i spent and i knw that you are a very great and awesome friend. Even though we are in different schools now, i really hope that we will stay in contact and stay friends forever. I love you, best friend, i really do.
Love, feliciatan.

Dear best friend,
I dont knw why and how we got this close. But im really grateful we got close in the end. You are a crazy girl. But crazy in a good way. You have this kinda influence on people to make them happy. & i rmbr we always do online shopping last time, and we always gave each other wonderful opinions. I think you re the only best friend i have that is younger than me. Even though you re younger, i really think you re alot more mature than me. You give me great advices whenever i need them. You are also always always always there for me. I rmbr the few times i was so sad and i just went to find you. Even though you re busy, you will still put away your stuff and be by my side. I love you for that. I love you for being there for me although we havent talked for a long time. We are both busy with our studies now. You, with o lvls, and me, with promos. We really need to catch up more and go out more. Likewise, im also very apologetic, like how im to pr. You had told me that i ve neglected youall that time. & really, thank you for being able to understand me. But whatever it was, i was at fault and im very sorry. I love you for being a crazy and true friend. I love you, i really do.
Love, feliciatan.

Dear best friend,
Its really amazing you knw. Like during this short span of time we know each other, you became my best friend. We never really talked in sec 4. It was only after the O's, during the holidays did we really got this close. I dont even knw why and how i asked you to come work at bqt with me. But in the end, we got really close thru bqt. You understood me in a way noone could. Because we went thru the same thing. I will never ever forget the dramatic moments we spent tgt. Like srsly, the wipe cup scene was the most epic one. During the long and slack-ful hours in holiday inn, we spent alot of time tgt, talking and talking. We shared our most intimate secrets and spurred, encouraged each other on. Then school started, and we still managed to keep in contact. I still see you so often now. & i still spend so many awesome time with you, together with the rest of the clique. I really hope you will find your true one soon. Cause i swear you deserve so much better than that bastard. Thanks for always being there for me, and always giving me wonderful advices. I love you, best friend, i really do.
Love, feliciatan.

Dear best friend,
I only came to know you well in yj, in band. I rmbr my first imp of you was, senior-scary-fierce-stayaway. LOL. but now, its totally different okay. True, the guys in the clique are very indecisive and we always get so pekcek trying to find a place to go to, we still always manage to have so much fun. And im surprised i will get this close with you. I share deep stuff of mine with you and feel better inside. This is what friends are about right? Being there to lend a ear and let the other feel better. I hope you will get many more luck and have more opportunities with your ec and maybe also him. You deserve a great guy and i know you will find one. You re a wonderful friend who is true and trustworthy. Im really glad i joined yjc band. Or not, i would not have made such a wonderful friendship. I hope we will spend more marvellous time together. But first, we have to study and clear promos first okay! I love you, best friend, i really do.
Love, feliciatan.

Okay, this is like only half of the people i wna write to.
I will continue writing to the rest soon.

Im glad i made these awesome best friends. & i really hope every single one of these friendships last.


THIS IS SO FUNNY RIGHT. GOT IT FROM YASMIN'S BLOG. LOL.

Anyw, i went to study today.
Okay, quite productive.
I did geog tut. and abit of chem!
& i read GP!
NOT BAD NOT BAD!

I wna continue working studying! GO FTAN!

Im looking fwd to after-promos days.
I have alot of things i wna dooooooo!

Saturday, August 21, 2010 @ 10:45 PM

Stop holding me back


IM GOING TO DO THIS. STARTING FROM TMRW.
30 day letter challenge
WRITE A LETTER TO THESE PEOPLE :


Day 1 — Your Best Friend

Day 2 — Your Crush

Day 3 — Your parents

Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)

Day 5 — Your dreams

Day 6 — A stranger

Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend

Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

Day 15 — The person you miss the most

Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Day 17 — Someone from your childhood

Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be

Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

Day 23 — The last person you kissed

Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Day 28 — Someone that changed your life

Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror



MARRIAGE

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

This makes me wonder.
What i thought was love might not have been love afterall.


Just came back from darian's band concert.
Went there with jolyn. Kinda surprising. I expected the atmosphere to be awkward. But it turned out to be ookay leh. Not bad not bad. Haha, as usual, we gossiped and fangirled. Caught up on quite alot of stuff. Yaye! & saw danfeng, siongwei and people there.

Went to tampines library in the afternoon w Yasmin. Rather productive leh today, did chem bonding and gas law tutorial. Not bad not bad. Let me start on chem energetics tmrw. & also do geog homework. Cmon ftan, promos coming!

I wna change my blogskin! wts am sick of this alrd. i shld go find one now.

Ps. i read a very touching note on fb just now. so touching knw, i cried. I post it laterrrr. after i chnge blogskin.

CYA!

Sleepy
Friday, August 20, 2010 @ 6:57 PM

I'm on my way to tampines to find Yasmin alrd. I got a bad bad feeling that I'm gna be late. Sorrrrrry Yasmin!

What's past is over. There's nothing we can do to salvage any part of what happened. What mattered don't matter anymore. Right now, what's left is smth I'll hold on forever. The beautiful memories. Beautiful.

I like to think. It makes me smarter calmer nicer sensible and often, right.


I FEEL HAPPY AND CALM NOW.
It feels good to sit here cutting tickets with Itunes on shuffle.

I feel happy today.
For some strange reason even i dont know.

Tomorrow's gna be a long day.
& i shld go sleep soon.

& PEOPLE COME BUY TICKETS FROM US.
COME TO OUR BAND CONCERT.
THE BAND MIGHT NOT BE MARVELLOUS,
BUT THE PLAYERS, ESP ME YUDING SUXIAN AND JARRON, ARE!

GNIGHT.

Thursday, August 19, 2010 @ 2:49 AM

SO CUTE RIGHT. I KNOW.


PROMOS ARE COMING SO FAST.
I felt the bompbomp bompbomp in my heart when the tchers told us the tested topics and paper format.
Im not ready yet. Oh my shit, i need more time.
Okay, im going to study like real this time. Starting from sat!
My dearest darlings. Must study hard okay. We must all promote tgt. I wna have more fun with youall!

I MISS AND NEED MY WEEKLY DOSE OF SPICE.

AND THIS TOOOOOO!

So true right.





Tuesday, August 17, 2010 @ 10:59 PM

If only you are here.


THIS IS SO NICE RIGHT. I KNOW.

I LIKE CRAZY CAM WHICH I DL-ED A FEW WEEKS BFORE.
I rmbr Yinhang once told me. That taking pictures of yourself is not zilian.
But it is to remind yourself of how you look like in future.
& to see the changes in your appearance.
Friends are marvellous creatures.
They are the one who stand by you when all esle fails.

Sometimes i think, guy friends are very very valuable friends.
Guys can be sensitive and nice and caring and manymore.
Yknw there are some guys who you can be very close w, who you can share your darkest secrets to.
Because you know you can trust them.
& in such friends, you knw you can only and always be friends w them.
But it doesnt matter.
Cause that is all you need from them.
I treasure my guy friends.
& i love them not in a way lovers love lovers.
But in a i-love-you-best-guy-friend kind of love.

I thank guanyinma for dear guy friends arnd me, people like yuchao kiancheow ruijing alvin jarron guowei and manymany more.

Of course, i wont forget about my girl friends.
I love love them alot okaaaay.
I love them in a i-love-my-girl-friend-so-much-i-can-die kind of love.

So, i also thank guanyinma for dear girl friends, people like yinhang, suxian, lique, yuding, pr, cangy, xiaoyin, tina, yueting, phyllis, jasmine, and manymany more.

I treasure appreciate love every single friend of mine. Really. Srsly.

Okay, ystd's dream had me crying at 2am in the morn.
I guess it was that last sentence you said in the dream.
Srsly, i even think that that might be true.
Which is very saddening.

Also, it got me thinking of how long it have been.
& made me reflect on alot of things.
Sometimes, when you get real tired, you just have to put your feet down, close your eyes, and force it to go.

Seriously, come to think of it, i have been coping rather well.
Despite of what im telling myself all the time.
This is a good sign.
& i shld just let it diminish.

Scale of diminishing returns.
That diminish word reminds me of econs.
I must be crazy.

Love isnt possession.






Okay another dream ystd. This is weirder and sadder than the previous one. Orhkay! I shall elaborate w a proper post whn I get home. Now I'm just bored frm the bus ride home. );
Buaiz. Hail the great!

Sunday, August 15, 2010 @ 8:52 AM

It's 12 and I'm not in sleep mode yet.


I NEED MY SHOPPING!
BUT I NO MONEY AND NO TIME.
>;(
you'll never know

YAYE IM DONE WITH PW.
& OUR WR SO PRETTTY!
YAYE YAYE.

OH SHIT I HVNT DO HMWK DUE TMRW.
I was supposed to go out and study tdy!
But i started doing pw and got lazy.
Okay, imma do my hmwk after i go sunplaza to print the pretty WR.

Saturday, August 14, 2010 @ 8:13 AM

Caught up with CANGY today!
Was supposed to go find her and study!
LOL, but we ended up talking, cooking mee, and laughing at rj when rj came.

Then we went to surprise bimb!
I didnt even have a formal wear. Had to wear cangy's pyjamas!
HAHA. Pictures are w cangy. (She'll prolly take a year to upload them)
AWESOME TIME SPENT with them.
HAHA, rj made me laugh like shiatz on the way home.
"If the cars on the road were human, they would throw eggs at you"
LOLOL.

I MISS BAND CLIQUE SO MUCH!
I MISS LAUGHING WITH THEM LAUGHING AT THEM!
WTS! I NEED TO SEE THEM SOOON!

I SAW THIS VERY CUTE TODDLER ON THE TRN JUST NOW!
SHE SMILED AT ME THRUOUT THE RIDE.
AND WHEN SHE LOOKED AT RJ, SHE ROLLED HER EYES.
4 TIMES CONSECUTIVE!
HAHA, CONCLUSION?
BABY LIKES ME, LIKES MY FACE, LIKES ME!
AND I LIKE HERRRRR!
SHE SO CUTE!
IM GOING TO GIVE BIRTH TO A SOCCER TEAM IN FUTURE.
okay, i might need to consider that again.

THIS IS THE UP TIME OF MY LIFE NOW.
idk why i said that. I just feel that way.
BETTER BE TRUE!
imma gonna do my hmwk tmrw.
FTAN, pls coooooperate!
GOOD GIRL!

Friday, August 13, 2010 @ 8:18 PM

When i wake up in the early morning, there's a tune that keeps rolling around in my head.
Okay, actually i didnt wake up early.
But i slept late.
That evens out right?!

My gran is cooking yum food! I like i like!
Im gg to find zack soooooon! Miss her much much!
I need to study need to study need to study!

I want a polariod!
So cool. So nice. My bro was telling me that day
"zeh, we dont take pictures alrd leh"
Ernoh, thats why i need a polariod!
Its a need! Not a want.
Okay, my aim? Getta polariod by the end of this year!
If you are my friend, you'll make me save!


So, let go


I had this very real dream ystd.
Srsly the dream was very real. & in the dream, i was verrry happy.
I hvnt felt what i felt ystd night for a long time.
I was so happy i could die.
Somemore its so real i think i can just live in that dream and not wake up

But dreams are dreams.
I woke up eventually and realised its a dream

I wanted so much to go back to sleep and find it back.
Sadly, i couldnt.
Even this afternoon, i tried to sleep to get back to tht dream.
But I couldnt.

I think i really feel sad.
Because what happened in that dream will never happen in reality again.
Because what i feel and felt doesnt matter anymore.
Because all is history now and whatever we do wont make any difference
那时我们都回不去的从前


Whatever it is, whatever it was, i have to be happy now.
I cant live in the past.

Today's band prac felt the closest to that of ytwo's
I could be enthu for yj band if every band prac is like that. No joke.

& i saw my super number 1 very handsome eyecandy on weds.
I nearly melted. But being me, i pretended nth happened and just walked straight.
But trust me, inside, i was maddddddddd happy.
Okay, i need to stop stalking his facebook.

Im so tired nowadays.
When i found out that i failed chem ystd, i so sad knw.
I very nearly got so demoralised i wna stop school.
I feeel drained. I dont wna study. I wna play play play.
I wna feel my youth, I wna feel my life.

OKAY JUST WAIT AND SEE YOU STUPID WORLD THAT IS CRUSHING ON ME.
I'LL PROVE YOU WRONG AND LIVE MY LIFE GOOD.
BEFORE THAT, I WILL STUDY FOR MY PROMOS FIRST.
AFTER THAT IM GNA PLAY LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW!